Falling For Fear (A Grim Awakening Book 4) Page 16

  She nodded. “You’re right.” She glanced back over to Melanie. “Will I revert back to my younger self like you, Melanie?” she asked softly.

  Melanie had the same look I must have. She was torn. Grim took over at that moment, placing his hand against her forehead. He fed her memories. “I remember,” she gasped. A tear slid down her ghostly cheek. “We’re not going to be together again, are we?” she asked sadly.

  Melanie nodded. “We belong somewhere else, but don’t worry.” She smiled at Tess. “I’ll watch over him.” Melanie turned toward me. “As much as he’ll let me.”

  “Good luck.” Tess chuckled. Soon her arms were around me, and I hugged her back. “I didn’t realize it until now.” She pulled away from me as she inspected me. Her ghost fingers hovered in and out of my skin as she traced the tattoos on my arms then she met my eyes again with another bright smile. “Just how much you’ve changed.”

  “I should have come to see you,” I started out then shook my head. “But a lot has happened, and I’ve changed.”

  She shook her head. “I don’t care, I don’t care,” she chanted. “And you shouldn’t either. You know I believe everything happens for a reason… if you can’t change something, accept it.”

  It was hard to believe this old woman was Tess. Nothing she said sounded like something my sister would say, but she grew up and grew old…

  “You’ve change too,” I added with a hint of sadness in my voice.

  “Yeah,” she said deeply. “It’s kinda what we do in life.” She looked back at her husband. “I don’t suppose I can touch him like I can you?” I shook my head sadly. “Did you say goodbye to Mom and Dad when they passed away?”

  I hadn’t expected her to ask that question. Grim had come to me and asked if I had wanted to say goodbye when both of their deaths had come, and I chose not to. “I didn’t.” I looked away, and it was like Tess was reading into everything I did.

  “It’s okay,” she told me like she understood. “I don’t know what happened to you, but don’t tell me. I spent a lifetime thinking you were in a good place—”

  “I get it,” I said quickly.

  “Don’t be mad at me for choosing not to know.” She sucked in a breath. “I love you, and I want you to live comfortably without any burdens.”

  I couldn’t blink or look away from her. I understood all too well. I was positive she did know what I’ve become, and that was exactly the reason she wanted to pretend she didn’t know. For her own sake or mine, I didn’t know. I would never know because I’d respect her choice. Because I loved her and still did, even as a monster.

  “I hope Heaven is everything you want it to be and more,” I murmured.

  Grim opened the passage behind her—the light was bright. Fear squirmed inside me. She glanced around the room like she was willing herself to accept what’s happened. “I hope the place that keeps you both is a good place,” she said quickly. I didn’t miss what she meant. She worried for us. Melanie met my eyes and I could see it in her eyes, she knew it too.

  “We’re not in Heaven, but we’re happy,” Melanie couldn’t help but say. “Don’t worry.” She smiled and Tess seemed to relax some.

  Tess glanced back at me, something in her eyes alarmed me. She quickly looked away like she wanted to forget what she had seen. I glanced down at my hands then back at her but she was already moving into the passage. My insides screamed at me—why did she look at me that way?

  “Tess,” Melanie said quickly.

  Tess cocked her head to the side. “I love you both,” was all she said before she slipped into the light and was gone to us forever.

  I staggered backward. Melanie studied me, panic and sadness pouring off her. I lifted my head and gripped it. “What was it? Why did she look at me like that?” I tried to recall what her emotions had been but for some reason, I hadn’t been paying attention. No, I had been too afraid to breathe them in.

  My insides were tearing me to pieces. The red was consuming me. Then I thought back to the moment Grim fed her memories. My anger was hot and bitter against my tongue as I glared at him. “What did you show her?” I screamed. “What memories did he feed her?” Did he feed her a memory of what I was?

  “He didn’t show her what—”

  Of course, Melanie would defend him. She would always defend him. “Stop!” Uncertainty flashed in her eyes, and it pissed me off even more. “Then why did she act that way—why did she suddenly—”

  “Ryan,” Melanie whispered. “It’s your eyes.” She closed her eyes like she didn’t even want to tell me. “They turned red right before she left, and they still are now.”

  I grabbed my face and smirked. It was my fault. Of course, it was my fault. “Do you think she knows I’m the same monster that attacked our town?” I gritted the words out.

  “No, Ryan, I don’t think that,” she lied. “She knows you’re different, she just doesn’t know how exactly.”

  “Don’t you remember, Melanie?” I whispered mockingly.

  “What?”

  “That I fucking know everyone’s emotions—I feed on them, remember?” Her face was sullen. “I smell the lie before you even say it!”

  “Ryan!”

  Grim stepped forward, placing himself between Melanie and me like I’d hurt her. It made me sick. But then again, I didn’t even trust myself when my temper was hot. I wouldn’t trust me not to hurt her either.

  “You’re letting Fear’s emotions control yours,” Grim told me. “I think you should go take the edge off before he forces himself out.”

  That was it, this wasn’t Fear. It was all me. They just weren’t accepting the fact that being Fear has changed me. “You know what.” I laughed. “That’s a good idea.”

  Grim nodded, but his essence pooled darkly. “Use your portal chip and head back.”

  What’s your fucking problem? You’re being pathetic. Fear growled. To let him speak to you like that!

  I was already pissed about it, but with Fear’s added anger I was livid. “What’s wrong?” I smirked. “What do you think I’m going to do?”

  “It’s not you I’m worried about,” Grim said.

  See, there it was again.

  I was tired, exhausted suddenly. I couldn’t remember why I kept fighting for the good in me when there was barely any left. I had nothing. No one. Molly’s tall, thin body and face flooded my memory out of nowhere, and I wondered if it was Fear’s doing. It didn’t matter though because I was about to give it all up. I wanted to escape into the darkness instead of fighting Fear all the damn time.

  I’d let him do what he wanted. I just wanted to rest.

  “I don’t care what he does.” I placed the biggest grin on my face as I said it. “It’s time you see how much I don’t give a shit.”

  And for the first time ever, I gave up my control.

  The very control I’ve been fighting to keep for a thousand years.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Fear

  Ryan continued to surprise me.

  This surprise wasn’t one I was thrilled about, though. I was fucking furious. Never once had he run away before, and I’ve put him through shit. A lot more than this—whatever this was. Not that I gave a shit what Grim or his woman thought, but he did. And the fact that he brought me out of his own free will...

  Grim watched me with a cool, calm atmosphere. “Let’s go take the edge off,” he offered, and he meant it, not knowing Ryan hid away.

  They cared for Ryan, and yet he only ever saw what he wanted. Their anger and nervousness wasn’t because they didn’t trust him, it was me that made them that way. That flowery shit that they feel about it each other, well, they exude similar feelings off for Ryan.

  Fucking love.

  It made my skin crawl just being around all this goody-goody stuff. Grim was Death! Why did an entity such as him go around spreading that shit? It was a disgrace. Death, pain, violence, and fucking… now those were things to live for. Was it because he had a di
fferent creator? What made him want different things than me?

  I didn’t care—I shouldn’t care… but I wondered why I had to be all about fear. I wondered why Ryan didn’t want to be me so fucking bad. I wondered why he fought me so hard only to give up within days… it was a fast change. I didn’t know what happened. Did I finally get to him after all this time?

  It made me wonder what it was like to care.

  And that made me wonder why I wondered about all these things I never did before.

  Ryan’s sister’s husband voice drifted into the phone, bringing me back to the surface. He was crying, a blubbering mess as he spoke of his wife’s death. I grabbed my chest and winced. It felt… funny. Uncomfortable. I didn’t like it. It was strange.

  Ryan had been right about that. Everything was strange anymore.

  As he talked to one his kids on the phone, the tightness in my chest grew… I had to get away. I had a feeling it had something to do with this room, his sister, and her husband.

  I glanced at Melanie. She nodded. “We should go,” she told me. “I don’t think either of us wants to see anymore.” She had tears in her eyes.

  I couldn’t take it anymore. Them not knowing that I wasn’t Ryan. “He’s gone.” Those two words were all I had to say, and Melanie and Grim became guarded and hostile.

  “Fear?” Grim growled my name.

  I smirked. “Afraid so.”

  “How could you—” Melanie started then stopped. “How could you ruin that with Tess?”

  I laughed. “I ruined nothing. That was all him.” She didn’t believe me. Not that I cared. “He ran away from, well, I don’t even know.”

  “You’re killing him!” she hissed at me.

  “Don’t worry.” I placed my hands in my pockets, letting my finger trace over the portal chip. “I plan to bring the baby out and ask him where his balls went.”

  “Fear—” Melanie lunged as her husband stood behind her doing nothing. I wasn’t stupid. He was waiting on what I’d do.

  I pressed the portal chip and entered the City of the Dead. Neither of them followed… yet. I glanced around the quiet streets. “Now. What innocent creature do I kill first, Ryan… to force you out?”

  I waited for some sort of response inside me. Nothing. Empty as it always was when I was out. He couldn’t sink inside my mind like I could his. I even stood there in the street trying to let him have control. Only I came up blank. It was like he wasn’t there.

  That weird feeling was there in my chest again. I ignored it and focused my energy—anger—on how many I’d have to kill to get something from him. Anything. It was dead, quiet on the inside. And every second that deadness only seemed to grow, I didn’t want it there.

  I wasn’t about to deal with what he refused to.

  I walked into a bar, entering with the depravity that meant countless lives were in danger. The air in the place changed with my presence, not in a good way. Fear pooled from most of their bodies, including arrogance for some. My name wasn’t as feared as it used to be, with Ryan, my killings were toward bad demons. He never took innocence. Marcus, on the other hand, had no qualms about killing anything. He’d kill anyone that stepped in his path. Before my merge with Marcus, I hadn’t been much different than him about killing anything. I just hadn’t been obsessed with power like he had been. The only thing I had felt when I watched him die was relief that I wasn’t trapped anymore.

  I was doing the same thing to Ryan. I didn’t like being left with no control. Why did I expect him to? I was bitter, full of anger when I merged with Ryan… now, I didn’t know what this ugliness I was feeling was all about. I had a feeling this was his fault, though. This weirdness going on between us.

  Ryan was unusually dark and chaotic while I was…

  My skin rippled as I changed into the creature I really was. I did it in front of everyone in the bar and smiled when it was over. I scanned the crowd. Nobody was completely innocent down here in the Underworld, but Ryan seemed to be choosy about who he killed. A sword materialized in my hand—the first time I’ve called a weapon to me in a long time—and the bloodbath began. Screams erupted as my sword went through the first demon—male. I took his banshee babe out right after him.

  “Fear!” someone screamed.

  “Why is he—” She didn’t get to finish. My blade cut into the bottom of her mouth, ripping out the top of her head. The panic fed what I needed. Sadly, the taste wasn’t appealing. It was almost nasty. But I kept going through what was left of the demons that hadn’t yet made it out of the door. A skinny vampire sprouted his fangs and hissed at me. He eyed the door, contemplating if he was quick enough to get by me. Vampires were quick. He took his chance. My tail snaked out and pierced his chest. Not quick enough. I sighed as his body dissolved to nothing.

  I wiggled the blood off my tail, and it darted out to another one trying to escape. Grim faded in front of him to block my tail. The demon took off running, and I slid my tail back behind me and placed my hands in my pockets. “Can I help you?” I asked, bored-like.

  “You’re going too far,” Melanie said as she faded next to Grim. A scowl was planted on her face. She was beautiful according to Ryan and her husband. Ah, Molly’s better, I thought. All evil and fucked up, and now I knew that she was also quite needy and clingy. Perfect.

  Yep, my kind of obsession.

  “Not yet, obviously.” I raked my claws across my chin.

  “If you’re going to kill something,” Grim said. “Kill something that deserves it.”

  I rolled my eyes. “That defeats the purpose. I want him to come out, doing what he does isn’t going to do that.”

  “Why?” Melanie asked, arching a brow.

  “Why what?”

  “Why do you want him to come out?”

  I laughed. What a stupid question. “Because he doesn’t get to run away.” I dipped my hand into my jeans and tapped a claw against the portal chip. “Blame it on him for everything that I have to do. He’ll come out eventually.”

  I ported to a whorehouse. Ryan frequented this place every now and then, and I still remembered the feisty wolf he came to see occasionally. Although he saw a lot of women, I was sure he wouldn’t want something bad to happen to one of them. It hadn’t changed anything when I killed those at the bar because he didn’t know any of them. He had no emotional tie. I was sure hurting the wolf would be different. I’d take her by force if I had to.

  She was busy with a client when I busted the door down. She jumped up, and the fat demon’s dick popped out of her cunt. “What,” he yelled, then scattered back on his ass when he saw who I was. I wasted no time and killed the ugly ass with my tail. I might be a scary fucking creature, but I wasn’t ugly. Not with Ryan anyway.

  A surprised gasp fell from her lips before it turned to a dreamy smile. I wrapped my tail around her neck and dropped on my knees. “I’m taking you by force.” In my head, it sounded menacing and evil.

  Only instead of a terrified shriek I was hoping for, she purred, “Yes.”

  “No, I’m going to fucking hurt you,” I said differently this time.

  She nodded worshipfully. “Please, Fear, make me hurt.”

  See what I mean about my reputation? I was threatening to rape her, and she responded with nothing but lust and excitement. Fucking Ryan. I wasn’t taken seriously anymore unless I was killing something. He had every woman drooling over him, not that I was complaining. I normally was into it.

  I gripped my tail tighter around her neck and she smiled, bringing her hand to my soft cock. I jerked back so quick she retracted her hand hurriedly. That was new. I wasn’t into any of this. Her response relieved me because I didn’t want to rape her. I didn’t even want her. For some reason, the twinge in my chest grew. It almost felt like I felt bad for doing this.

  No, not only that. Guilty. I felt guilty. I didn’t have any interest in any creature except a raven-haired little monster. She didn’t care about me, but I knew she cared about Ryan. If I d
id this with another woman, she wouldn’t like it. The thought of hurting her feelings sent a bad pain in my heart I didn’t like.

  I released the werewolf’s neck slowly and stood. “Fear?” she sounded disappointed.

  I ignored her and turned for the door quickly to get out of the whorehouse. The thought of Molly even knowing what I was about to with that woman sent me in a state of panic. I rubbed my face over and over.

  But then I stopped myself only because I wasn’t into it. Not for any other reason. Ryan wasn’t going to react anyway. I didn’t stop because of Molly. I didn’t—

  Why was I denying the truth? The same way Ryan was denying everything right now.

  “None of this is going to bring him out.” Grim was propped against the wall the moment I stepped out on the streets. “You heard him.” His essence flowed out of his eyeless gaze as he turned to me. “He said he didn’t care, and he doesn’t.”

  “He does,” I added bitterly. “Or he wouldn’t push me out to do the dirty work.”

  “I’m not so sure,” Grim murmured. “But why are you so upset about it? Isn’t this what you enjoy? Making him hurt?”

  I shrugged my shoulders like I didn’t care.

  I didn’t fucking care. I gripped my chest.

  “Don’t act like you know what’s going on here,” I said. Good to know that I still didn’t like Grim interfering with all this change happening inside me.

  He couldn’t possibly understand what it was like to suddenly experience all these new emotions when all I’ve known is the bad things. Not this… heaviness of feeling bad after doing something I’ve always done before. It was completely new, and somehow, I had to deal with what Ryan gave me.

  Only I shouldn’t have to. He was a part of me. He was good at dealing with this—

  That was it!

  I frowned, and Grim moved from the wall like he was trying to understand me. He could keep trying, but he’d never understand a monster.

  “I’ll bring him out,” was all I had left to say.

  I was looking at this all wrong. The reason all this started, the reason we’ve began to change, the reason I had wanted to be Ryan—yes, wanted to be him. The change started the moment I brought her in the picture.